It is said that you can choose your friends but not your family, and the case of the following story, that really is a pity. In an ideal world, our parents and grandparents should love, guide and support us, even if our adult choices don’t necessarily align with their beliefs. Yet all too often, we hear of bonds broken because someone refuses to accept a relative for who they are.
A 29-year-old woman has told how her grandmother completely lost it after finding out that she has a girlfriend. As if the vitriol of hate speech wasn’t enough, the old woman also attacked her granddaughter and threatened to send someone over in the night to “correct” her “deviation.”
Some grandmothers are sweet angels, others will make your life a living hell
Jonas Kakaroto / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
This one is making it her mission to “correct” her granddaughter’s “deviation,” after learning she has a girlfriend
gpointstudio / Envato (not the actual photo)
Antonin Duallia / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Jakub Żerdzicki / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Dorien Monnens / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)
Concerned netizens advised the woman to report the matter to the police
dvatri / Envato (not the actual photo)
She later revealed that she’d gone to the cops but things had taken an even wilder turn
incomecenterr / Envato (not the actual photo)
Becca Tapert / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Iakobchuk / Envato (not the actual photo)
Daesun Kim / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
“Love the sinner but hate the sin”: why receiving conditional love from family hurts so much
Not everyone is going to accept you for who you are. That’s more about them than you. Many LGBTQ+ people face an uphill battle when it comes to receiving unconditional love from certain family members.
“Families may show their love for you only when you hide parts of yourself, such as your queer identity, your partner, and your LGBTQ+ community. It makes you feel as if they love some parts of you, but that ultimately they wish you were straight,” says Dr Jenna Brownfield, a queer therapist based in Minneapolis, United States. It’s almost like a case of ‘love the sinner but hate the sin,’ the expert writes.
Brownfield goes on to say that receiving conditional love from homophobic family can feel very confusing. “It’s a disorienting mix of sometimes feeling loved and sometimes not,” explains the expert, adding that many of her own clients have described the confusion by something along the lines of: “A part of me just wishes they’d be even more homophobic so that it’d be clear to me.”
Sassafras Patterdale ran away from home 25 years ago, at the age of 17. They say the family rejection was too much to bear.
“[I] cut ties with my mother for the rest of her life for my own physical and emotional safety,” reveals Patterdale, a queer and genderqueer author and full-time freelance writer.
Having been through some tough situations, Patterdale believes that being open about who you are to yourself and others is brave and very important. They say when navigating homophobia or rejection from family, you should always try to maintain your independence. Not so that you don’t have to depend on these relatives for your basic needs like food and shelter. But to ensure that any interactions you have can be wholly on your terms.
Patterdale also advises setting firm boundaries.
“Try not to let your family’s lack of acceptance and respect influence your ability to set and hold boundaries. You deserve to be treated with respect,” they say. “This might mean setting boundaries about your name or pronouns being used if you are going to spend time together, or about topics of conversation that are off the table and not something you’re comfortable talking about.”
“Your boundaries are legitimate and you get to have them, whatever they need to be,” adds Patterdale.
They suggest preparing in case your family cuts you off or vice versa. On a practical note, this might look like collecting your personal items from the family home. For example, childhood photos, or copies of your birth certificate.
On an emotional level, surround yourself with people who understand and support you. And if needs be, seeking professional help.
Many were shocked that the police were so “useless”
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