We Need Fewer Influencers and More Bullshit E-mail Jobs

No one wants to pretend to do their jobs anymore. While everyone aspires to become the next big influencer who writes, films, and edits their own videos, we need Principal Web Optimization and Synergy Managers who want to get their hands dirty by moving their computer mouses every few minutes so it appears as if they’re online as they binge “Real Housewives of Rhode Island” in their pajamas.

While influencers are being threatened in the comments sections of videos about their morning routines, we need Directors of Manual Automation Sales Development to roll up their sleeves and type one singular e-mail every day in which they pass off their work to a different department.

We used to be a proper country. A country in which people pulled up their bootstraps (that were not sent to them for free by a publicist) and worked tirelessly to add yet another corporate buzzword to their title in order to seem more important. (So far, I’m up to eight: Senior B2B, C2C, and D2D Solutions Research Content Specialist.)

But I’m not giving up hope just yet on this generation. There’s still time to build a healthy pipeline and train the future leaders of bullshit e-mail jobs to join the existing group of rock stars. It starts at home. Parents, when your child is on their phone at the dinner table, ignoring you, make sure that they’re scrolling Outlook, not Reddit.

Picture, for just a moment, what our society would look like without those brave men and women with bullshit e-mail jobs. Without the hardworking Principal International Hardware and Software Relationship Managers of the world, let’s just say that Japan would have one less tourist maximizing their unlimited P.T.O.

Take away the courteous Quality Print Ink Cartridge Response Consultants in this country, and suddenly your company is left with an additional hundred and ten thousand dollars in the bank each year to spend on better snacks at the office, more swag that no one will ever wear, and increased parental leave for the employees who actually do work.

Without heroes like me, you can say goodbye to my great-aunt Susan looking confused and saying, “How nice, dear,” whenever she asks me what I do, and I reply, “I’m a Lead Group Functionality and Web Excellence Administrator, Water Cooler Division, and my job is to optimize processes within the product space to insure that the synergy drives collaboration.”

Could an influencer do that?

America, wake up. We don’t need more influencers. We need more bullshit e-mail jobs. Specifically, we need more of them so that I can get hired to do another one, because I just got let go last week.

So, spread the word and maybe put in a referral for me for the open Chief Boss’s Son Resource Contribution Officer at Capital Enterpriselytics Partners & Co. That way I can continue fighting the good fight of going idle on Teams while I play video games in my underwear and not putting my business degree to work. For the time being, use the code EMAIL10 to get ten per cent off the lymphatic-drainage vibration plate. ♦