Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may return to the UK — but don’t expect a single Brit to roll out the red carpet

Royal return vexes fam, UK

Lady Colin Campbell lives in a castle in Great Britain. Following her many books, friendships, appearances and forever information about the royals, I asked her about Prince Harry and that wife moving back.

Lady Colin Campbell: “I was born in Jamaica. A family with a household name. My mother a British aristocrat. We mixed with the royals. Jamaica was then the world’s leading winter colony. All my life I’ve known the royals.

“Look, the Brits do not want [Harry]. He’s increasingly alienated and lonely in America. He’s blocked friends and relations in our country. No royals want him back. He’s a thorn in their side. But now, the media will really have something to speak about. He will be here. Will Meghan be here? To what extent will she be here? Will they end up semi if not totally detached? I don’t see her spending extended periods of time in Britain.

“Our country can’t stand her. She’s already played the color card. Manna for the press — poison for everybody else. The royals will blank her. The king and William will have nothing to do with them. She’s a problem. She’s capable of hunkering, scheming, planning. Few forgave lies about Britain not embracing her.”

Left her Mark’

Me: So what actually is Harry? Is he an empty vessel?

Lady Campbell: “He’s a problem. Weak, malleable, not brilliant. He and William played with my children. Great at polo, but tricky because he’s volatile, paranoid, self-important. Not easily controlled. Also, not sharp. But Meghan was able to control him because she’s tricky. That initially seemed a possible plus where the royals were concerned — because she managed to calm him down. Of course, she was diverting his hostility into new directions, all of which were pointed at them.”

Castle hunting

“They’re now looking for something to buy. Good time to buy here in that everything, the prices, are depressed.

“They do have, according to them, a house in Portugal, and Portugal is fashionable at the moment. Also cheap.

“These two will not be treated as luminaries. I mean, maybe third-rate entities. Like, you know, where they might ask her or him to present a prize. The press will publicize it. But that’s as far as it goes. By their own actions and conduct, they’ve worked themselves into being despised on both sides of the Atlantic.

“Their life is in absolute turmoil.”

Reach for the sky in future trip

Year 3610. Elon Musk’s making another speech at RKO Galaxy because nobody’s yet figured out how to get rid of him.

Also: Spaceship departure is at Cloud WalMart. Five-day trip.

Quickie stopover at Torpedo Tom’s for the loo.

Coffee-to-go at Galactic Galley.

Side trip at Apollo to recharge your phone. Pelosi’s rich husband owns the place.

Shove the moon. Everyone’s tired of going there.

Dress code? Spandex. Get fitted ahead of time at Robot Ruth’s.

Lunch en route at Café Android. Buck Rogers, chef.

And that’s not only in New York, kids, not only in New York.