Math Problems for Moms

1. You have two children, ages two and five. You must take them to the dentist at 10 a.m. tomorrow, which is five miles from home, and you’ll be driving at thirty miles per hour. When should you start getting your children ready to leave?

ANSWER: Yesterday. This allows for one roadside stop to find a lost teddy bear, a second to break up a sibling fight that includes a bloody nose, and a third to clean up vomit. In other words, just pay that appointment no-show fee now and let their teeth rot.

2. You cook spaghetti and meatballs for your family, which they have enjoyed at least two hundred times in the past. What is the statistical probability that all of your kids will inexplicably say this is the most disgusting meal ever and refuse to eat it?

ANSWER: 100 percent.

3. One of your children must be at soccer practice at 4 p.m.; the other has their piano lesson at 4:30 p.m.; and you have a mammogram booked for 4:45 p.m. Will you make it back to pick up your kids from their respective lessons before 5:30 p.m.?

ANSWER: Yes, because you had to take an urgent Zoom call from your boss about the teriyaki chicken you left in the office fridge three weeks ago. You’ve now missed your appointment, but don’t worry, it will only take two years to book another one.

4. Add the following to work out how long it will take you to get your child to sleep tonight:

• Screaming about shower time for five minutes, plus screaming about the end of shower time for ten minutes, plus demanding to be re-wrapped in a towel eight times so it feels “right” for ten minutes = 25 mins
• Arguing about needing the Stitch pajamas, NOT the “dumb” Bluey ones, for five minutes, plus having a demonic episode because they’re too wet to get them on for ten minutes = 15 mins
• Smearing toothpaste on the basin, mirror, and walls for five minutes, plus brushing teeth for five seconds = 3.05 mins
• Refusing to use toilet = 2 mins
• Reading The Gruffalo = 10 mins
• Reading Chicka Chicka Boom Boom = 10 mins
• Reading The Gruffalo again, but with a Cockney accent = 10 mins
• Reading The Gruffalo again, but with a Cockney accent and also in song = 10 mins
• Getting a cup of water = 2 mins
• Getting another cup of water because the first one tasted “yucky” = 3 mins
• Going to the toilet because of all the water = 3 mins
• Getting up because they’re scared of The Gruffalo = 2 mins
• Wanting you to sing KPop Demon Hunters in a lullaby arrangement = 2 mins
• Reciting The Gruffalo from memory with your eyes closed, then falling asleep before your child does = 5 mins

ANSWER: Trick question—your child is still awake.

5. You must be up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, but you only got the kids to bed at 9 p.m. To ensure you get the recommended nightly sleep allocation for adult women (eight hours), should you:

A. Go to sleep immediately
B. Watch one quick Friends episode to unwind
C. Open a bottle of wine, and watch five back-to-back episodes of Love Is Blind while scrolling Instagram and commenting on everything Britney Spears has ever posted

ANSWER: A, but you’ll definitely choose C. Screw the recommendations; you need this “me” time.

6. You pulled an all-nighter before your child’s eighth birthday, wrapping presents, stuffing goodie bags, and baking a dairy-free Labubu cake. How many times does your kid say thank you?

A. 3
B. 1
C. -5

ANSWER: C. There were no thank-yous, and your child had an explosive tantrum because her Labubu was orchid pink, not pastel pink.

7. Your husband is working away this week. What is the statistical probability of one or more of these things occurring within twenty-four hours of his departure?

• A once-in-a-hundred-year hailstorm knocks out the power to your house so that you cannot use your phone, the Wi-Fi, or your electric vehicle
• One of your children comes down with a new, rare form of flesh-eating bacteria
• Another of your children gets lice
• You get lice, the flesh-eating bacteria, and a UTI
• Your children’s fighting becomes so violent and loud that a neighbor calls the cops

ANSWER: 100 percent.

8. You have a spare thousand dollars to spend (remember, this is theoretical). Is it better for your mental health to spend it on:

A. Therapy
B. A cleaner
C. A rusty old van

ANSWER: C. Park the van in an abandoned lot where you can drink white wine, eat leftover Goldfish from your handbag, and scream into the abyss.

9. Your kids make you breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day, unsupervised. There is syrup on the kitchen ceiling, the smoke alarm is blaring, and the dog is licking raw eggs off the floor. How long will it take you to clean up?

ANSWER: It doesn’t matter. Your stomach is full of pancakes, your sheets are covered in dog slobber, and your tired heart is full of love. There are some things math simply can’t explain.

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