I’m Guy Fieri, and I’m Calling Off the Search for the Most Gangster Enchilada in Albuquerque, New Mexico

Limited edition silk screens from Dave Eggers

My production company, Knuckle Sandwich LLC, is officially suspending active search operations for the most gangster enchilada in the Albuquerque and larger Bernalillo County area.

Initially, our search was a small film crew conducting a half-day television segment. It was meant to be lighthearted and normal, with a funkalicious twist. Around the four-hour mark, we were off the chain and descending into a financial and existential disaster. Albuquerque Police Department, in coordination with the New Mexico Department of Public Safety and the New Mexico National Guard, conducted a thorough and extensive search of Bernalillo County drive-ins, dives, holes, spots, hideouts, and stops. Our civilian volunteer search party performed two days’ worth of city searches. Upon their refusal to continue, Knuckle Sandwich LLC held what was not originally called a draft, but upon further reflection, was a draft. In conjunction with the Albuquerque mayor’s office, a reverse curfew was put in place: No one was to return home until the most gangster enchilada was found.

The decision to suspend the active search was made by my family, the Albuquerque community, and the United States military. I cannot stress this enough: I do not typically act like this. I was just in Sioux Falls, and I was totally normal. I honestly think it comes down to the fact that I have never once thought about what “gangster” actually means, or how to measure it in a food. So when I said, “Today we are looking for the most gangster enchilada in Albuquerque,” I fucked myself. I fucked my film crew. I fucked the people of Albuquerque.

I would like to express my gratitude to nearly all the citizens, volunteers, and search officials of Albuquerque for your tireless efforts over the past nine days. We did not get the results we wanted, but I appreciate your hard work.

Some people went out of their way to be mean to me. Expressing frustration and being mean are two different things. For example, saying that it’s not rad to pull someone else’s kids out of the local middle schools to perform grid searches is a valid frustration. Screaming that you found the most gangster enchilada, having me run over to you, and then showing me your scrotum wrapped in tin foil is mean. Also, showbiz tip: The more times you do the scrotum enchilada trick, the less funny it gets.

The United States military has told me emphatically that the case is closed. We are no longer looking for the most gangster enchilada in Albuquerque. Also, the reverse curfew has been lifted. That goes without saying, but I was told that we have to say that.

If you want to keep searching, you can. You don’t have to. But I am going to keep searching.

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