First They Came for the Pieds-à-Terre…

"The phrase ‘tax the rich’ can be ‘just as hateful as some disgusting racial slurs,’ according to the New York City billionaire Steve Roth, who said that the top 1 percent should be ‘praised and thanked.’” — The Guardian

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First they came for the pieds-à-terre, which they said were driving up the cost of housing.

And I did not speak out.

Because my pied-à-terre was in Greenwich, Connecticut, not Greenwich Village.

Then they came for the capital gains, which they said should be taxed as income.

And I did not speak out.

Because I had all of my company stock in a tax-sheltered backdoor Roth.

Then they came for the bad landlords, who they said were ripping off tenants.

And I did not speak out.

Because I was so wealthy I didn’t even bother renting out any of my investment properties.

Then they came for the 1031 exchanges, which they said were an unfair tax loophole the wealthy use to buy fancier vacation homes.

And I did not speak out.

Because I inherited all of my vacation homes from my father using a totally different tax loophole.

Then they came for the real estate shell corporations, which they said shady billionaires were using to anonymously buy up enormous swaths of properties.

And I did not speak out.

Because, years ago, I had my name legally changed to Equity Holdings LLC.

Then they came for the corporate income tax increase, which they argued companies would happily accept in order to continue operating in arguably the most lucrative city in the world to do business.

And I did not speak out.

Because I just assumed that corporate lobbyists would find a way around this, either at the state or federal level, because that’s the sort of thing corporate lobbyists seem to always be able to do.

Then they came for the mega-mergers, which they argued, at this rate, would eventually turn the S&P 500 into basically the S&P 5 and result in the nation’s entire wealth being split down the middle between Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.

And I did not speak out.

Because I was good friends with Bezos, this actually seemed like it could work out in my favor, though, admittedly, I began to worry we were definitely reaching some sort of breaking point as a country.

Then they came for the general notion that the ultra-wealthy should be exempt from paying their fair share in taxes on account of them being “job creators,” which they argued was true, but only in the narrow sense that having a small group of mustache-twirling centi-billionaires hoarding all the wealth results in an economy where average people have to work three or more jobs just to survive, so, yes, technically there are more jobs but all of the jobs suck.

And I did not speak out.

Because I was just a deca-billionaire and because I was also getting a little scared that perhaps they were right; perhaps American society was completely falling apart at the seams, and we were quickly spiraling into an authoritarian kleptocracy, even though the offensively simple solution would be for the wealthy to simply agree to an increase in taxes so small they likely wouldn’t feel it in any meaningful way.

Then they came for me.

And there was no one left to speak for me.

Because the rest of the oligarchs had moved to Miami Beach.

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