What to Do if You Find Paul Giamatti Hiding in Your Christmas Tree

Because of his ability to completely lose himself in any role—including that of a mildly depressed holiday ornament—it can be days before you even notice Paul Giamatti tucked away among the tinsel and candy canes on your Christmas tree. Not to worry: here are some helpful tips on what to do in the event that you find the two-time Academy Award nominee hiding in your Douglas fir.

Wait for him to leave on his own.

Keep in mind, the poor little fella’s more afraid of you than you are of him. All he wants to do is get back to starring in critically acclaimed dramedies that highlight his impressive range. Fortunately, Paul Giamatti is one of the most prolific actors in Hollywood, with a filmography that runs the gamut from “John Adams” to “Straight Outta Compton.” It’s only a matter of time before he’s called away for what will surely be yet another praiseworthy performance.

Lure him out with Oscar bait.

If you don’t have time to wait, you can always try luring Paul Giamatti out of your Christmas tree by leaving a trail of pages from a compelling screenplay that leads him right out your front door. Make sure it’s something he can really sink his teeth into, like an Alexander Payne family drama, or, better yet, a bio-pic of Teddy Roosevelt. Nothing entices Paul Giamatti more than the chance of scoring that elusive Oscar gold.

Read out the reviews.

It’s a well-known fact that Paul Giamatti is easily frightened by loud noises, and no sound is more frightening to him than that of a negative review. Even an actor as well regarded as Paul Giamatti is going to turn out a few duds throughout an otherwise illustrious career. So start reading aloud what the critics wrote about the 2007 Christmas clunker “Fred Claus” and watch as Paul Giamatti scurries for the nearest open window faster than you can say “Certified Rotten.”

Use a repellent.

Much like his “Sideways” character, Miles Raymond, Paul Giamatti can’t stand the taste or smell of Merlot. Uncork a bottle and place it at the base of the tree. The distinct aroma of ripe cherries and dark chocolate should cause Paul Giamatti to exit your home and never return. At the very least, he won’t be able to help emerging from the tree and exploding into a tirade about why he is “not drinking any fucking Merlot,” giving you just enough time to trap him in a net and release him back into the wild.

Introduce a natural predator.

It’s a risky move, but you might consider scaring Paul Giamatti into leaving your home by introducing the thing he dreads most: a fellow character actor. You’d be sure to light a fire under his butt by reminding him of such scene-stealing talents as Bill Camp, J. K. Simmons, and John Turturro. But proceed with caution, as character actors are extremely protective of their acting prospects, and are known to become aggressive when placed in the same room.

Call in the professionals.

The last thing you want is for Paul Giamatti to make his way into your walls and build a nest. As adorable as a bunch of baby Giamattis skittering around your home may seem, they can cause untold property damage. You’ll know you have a Giamatti infestation when you find DVD copies of “American Splendor” scattered about your attic and hear expertly delivered expletive-laden monologues through the walls at all hours of the night. At that point, it’s time to bring in the big guns by contacting your nearest SAG-AFTRA affiliate to have Paul Giamatti safely returned to his natural habitat: up on the big screen, playing hapless schlubs and cantankerous underdogs. ♦