Welcome to WeStillWork, the Nursing Home for People Who Can’t Afford to Retire

Looking forward to your golden years, but afraid you’ll never be able to afford it? Our state-of-the-art facility offers elderly corporate drones the comfort of a living space with the same lack of character as an office cubicle. Be surrounded by like-minded residents like yourself, who will be working on their laptops to pay off their bills until the day they die.

Amenities

We did everything we could to recreate the best of the environment you spent seventy years toiling away in with the following amenities:

• Flexible Leases. Although we want you to stay as long as possible (for financial purposes), we know you may feel uneasy signing a twelve-month lease. That’s why we offer day-to-day leases for our touch-and-go members. Whether you get fired or die (whatever comes first), we’ll accommodate you.
• Playpen for Your Grandkids While You Work. The golden years are all about reconnecting with family. Now that you’re retired, it’s time to step into full-time Grandparent Mode (PTO permitting). If your grandkids come to visit, but you’re still grinding over that spreadsheet, no fear—we have a Fun Room that any kid will love: wooden blocks, one singular Barbie with its head ripped off, and a TV from 2002 that doesn’t work. The grands will be having too much of a blast in the Fun Room that they won’t even remember they didn’t know you that well when you’re dead.
• IT Support from Your Next-Door Neighbor, Hank. You thought they were non-verbal when they were young and spry, just wait until you receive the speedy, comprehensive PDF-opening service support they give you while they’re in hospice.
• On-the-Clock Job Coaches for When You’re Fired for Being Too Old. At WeStillWork, we know ageism is real. But as we say here, “you still gotta pay the bills.” That’s why we have on-site job coaches to help you find your next gig when you get canned from your current one for hugging the Vice President of HR uncomfortably long.

Testimonials

“I was worried that because I was terminally ill at 96 years old, I wouldn’t be able to keep my job as a Graphic Designer. Thanks to WeStillWork, I’m still able to bring value to the shareholders and have as much cold brew as my third heart transplant can handle.”
— Connie, graphic designer, 96 years old

“Someone like me loved going to the office five days a week—hell, six days a week if I was lucky—because I hated my wife and kids. Now that I’m at WeStillWork, they never visit me, and I couldn’t be happier!”
— Bob, digital marketing manager, 85 years old

“WeStillWork makes it easy to both live and work. I just got off my yearly performance review call while Stephanie, my night nurse, bathed me. Flexibility at its finest.”
— Gus, social media influencer, 81 years old

“Retirement never seemed like something that would be in my reach, and it still isn’t. But at WeStillWork, now I can continue to work fifteen-hour days, and occasionally indulge in building perks like Thursday night bingo.”
— Sally, Hot Topic customer service representative, 72 years old

FAQs

How do I become a resident?
Just because you didn’t hit your KPIs in a normal office doesn’t mean it’s over. You may have just needed a change in scenery. Does that sound like you? In addition to proof of a job, you must show proper documentation that you’ve had an extremely uncomfortable and combative conversation with family who felt it was time to put you here. Members are not allowed to come on their own free will, just like the classic and mandatory in-office five-day-a-week attendance policy. WeStillWork offers kidnapping as an add-on service and will be charged as an initiation fee.

Are there networking events?
A common misconception is that co-working at WeStillWork is their last chapter, but really, it’s just another. We offer several networking events a year with recruiters from the best employers from Heaven, Purgatory, and Hell to assist you with a future job search when you’ve fulfilled your earthly duties.

Is there a cafeteria?
Yes. We offer a large selection of expired granola bars, overripe bananas, and nutritious potato chips so that our residents can maintain their brittleness as they finish their lives off utterly defeated and working for someone who doesn’t care if they live or die.

So, what are you waiting for (other than the sweet release of death, of course)? Reimagine your work-life balance and apply for a kidnapping to WeStillWork today.

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