We’ve Officially Won the War We’re Currently and Indefinitely Fighting

“We won. The first hour, it was over.”
— Donald Trump, March 11

“The Pentagon has asked for $200 billion in funding for the war in Iran.”
— The New York Times, March 19

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I am proud to announce that we have won the war—the one we’re fighting right now, indefinitely. We have declared victory, which will help morale during the next few years of battle. In fact, we won this war so well that we need about 200 billion of your tax dollars to keep winning it.

Look, we don’t want to waste your money. That’s why we vowed to make this a quick war, and we’ve followed through on that promise. The first hour, it was over. The second hour too. First week, over again. Next week, we’ll be wrapping up. In a couple months, we’ll have finished this war more times than any war has ever been finished before.

Now, 200 billion dollars might sound like a lot of money. And it would be, if we were just winning one war. But when you finish a job, you get paid. If you finish the same job 200 times for a billion a pop, well, you do the math.

Some people have been saying that there was no reason this war needed to happen in the first place. That’s just not true. We were given highly credible intelligence that this war was completely unavoidable from the moment we started it. Others have claimed there was no imminent threat. That’s just naïve. There was an extremely imminent threat that if we attacked, there would then suddenly be a threat.

Other people have been saying that we’re committing war crimes. That’s not true either. If anything, you’re committing war crimes, since this is your money. I haven’t paid a dime. But we’ve finished our war crimes now, the ones that weren’t happening. Those are over. As of tomorrow, you will be paying for incidental violations.

The truth is, this isn’t even a war. It started as a specialized combat operation. Now that we’ve won that specialized combat operation, it’s become a continuation of a full-scale military intervention. We’re very close to turning that intervention into an all-out peacetime campaign, which can actually be very bloody and extremely expensive. When you really think about it, 200 billion dollars is a small price for you all to pay to get us out of this big peace-seeking mess you all already paid for.

One day, when this is all over, which it already is, you’ll look back at our many triumphs and smile, knowing that they’re still happening and that they’ll never end. And when that day comes, which it will every day forever, we won’t have to ask you for your money, because we’ve never had to ask you for your money—we’ll just take it, so we can win an unwinnable war we already won.

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