We’re the G7 Finance Ministers and Everything’s Great

MCSWEENEY'S QUARTERLY SUBSCRIPTIONS

“The leaders of the Group of 7 nations—Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan and the United States—now will have to confront the fallout from another war in the Middle East: increased instability, surging oil prices and the possibility that Iran will respond with new terror attacks around the world.”
— New York Times

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In preparation for this year’s summit, we, the G7 Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors, had an extremely chill, productive, and in no way tense meeting a couple weeks ago in Banff, Alberta, and we just want to reassure the global community that, no matter what you may have heard, everything is great. Smooth sailing. Couldn’t be better.

Like, whoo boy, yes, the current global financial situation looks rough, but we know what we’re doing. Of course, we know how to handle this and are not totally in way over our heads. The whole point of this G7 thing is to encourage strong economic relationships in the face of international trade uncertainty, and we have no idea why you would think we might be struggling with that. Frankly, it’s hurtful. This is our thing; we are thriving.

Sure, when we were founded to facilitate shared global initiatives in response to contemporary economic problems, we didn’t anticipate that one of us would go right off the fucking deep end and never come back. But even if that were to happen, it would totally be fine. But it’s not because everything is fine. Please stop asking if everything will be fine. Because it is and it will be. Why wouldn’t it be? Why would you think that?

So, we met to coordinate policy responses, which is definitely not a professional way of saying ‘made direct eye contact over a cheese plate while silently screaming,’ and managed to address global economic imbalances without directly mentioning any specific countries that might be entirely responsible for the mess that we aren’t in. We call that ‘fiscal restraint’ and it’s all part of the plan. Very advanced macroeconomic maneuver. We got this.

There’s been some chatter about our waning relevance vis-à-vis organizations like the G20, but as the OG, uh, G, we know a thing or two about symbolic competence and control. So, yep, we have everything running smoothly. But if you happen to have any suggestions on how to baby-proof these super solid guidelines that rely on multinational cooperation and goodwill, we could take a look. Not that we need any help. Because everything’s going really well and we all get along just super. It’s not as if the leader of a key member nation is going to show up and refuse to sign anything we’ve drafted. Wouldn’t that be wild if that was a thing that absolutely happened before that could totally happen again and we were freaking out about that right now? Because we’re not, that would be so silly. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Hey, remember when we had eight members? We don’t. Russia? Never even heard of ‘er. Like sure, having a representative like that around to strong-arm a specific leader who will not be named into falling in line might be helpful, but we don’t need that. Why would we need something like that? We love working together. We text constantly. Sometimes in all caps, but like, friendly normal all caps. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, HAHAHAHAH.

In fact, we are so not worried that we added a fun little paragraph in our official communiqué here about AI. Isn’t that just so fun? Everyone loves AI. It’s so good at doing what it’s told and not being a stubborn jackass who tanks the world economy. Not like that’s a thing anyone has to worry about here! Where everything is so normal and fine. And fun! We just have so much fun here. So. Much. Fun.

We are so, totally, completely prepared for the summit, you have no idea. Kananaskis is beautiful, and nothing is literally or figuratively on fire. It’s going to be so good. Like, historically fine. We’re fine. We’re doing great. Everything is great.

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