'Somebody's closer!': Ranking the 14 best quotes from 'Happy Gilmore'

It's may have been nearly three decades since "Happy Gilmore" was released, but it remains a staple in the fairly niche genre of sports comedies.

Adam Sandler's 1996 film, which follows a failed hockey player who discovers a unique talent for golf, is full of hilarious moments. Whether its Happy Gilmore's adjustments to the etiquette of professional golf, or the random cameos from well-known golfers and celebrities in the 1990s, "Happy Gilmore" is both one of the most well-known Sandler films and one of the most quotable.

In the years since, some of the quips from "Happy Gilmore" have been repeated on courses worldwide, while others are simply a product of the golf movie's absurd writing and Sandler's iconic delivery. 

Time hasn't prevented "Happy Gilmore" from remaining one of the most re-watchable and quotable sports comedy films ever made. Here's a ranking of the 14 best quotes from the movie, from Sandler's hysterical moments to the banter in the rivalry between Happy Gilmore and Scooter McGavin. 

MORE: Breaking down Happy Gilmore's iconic "step-up" swing, including USGA legality

14. “If I saw myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own a**.”

The setup: After joining the pro tour, Happy is told to start dressing more like a golfer, something he's not very interested in doing. When they arrive at the "Waterbury Open," Happy's mentor Chubbs Peterson tells him: "By the way, thanks for dressing up."

In response, Happy, still wearing a hockey jersey, points to the man in front of him in red-and-white plaid pants and a polo shirt and says, "If I saw myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own a**.”

Why it’s the best: A lot of the funniest moments in the movie are from Happy's unwillingness to conform to the traditions of golf, with more interest in dressing like the aggressive hockey player he is at heart. This is one of those moments, with Happy hating others' golf clothes so much that he'd beat himself up if he had to wear them.

13. "How about I just go eat some hay, I can make things out of clay and lay by the bay? I just may! What do you say?"

The setup: During a confrontation with the villainous pro golfer Shooter McGavin at a bar, Happy turns things into a contest after McGavin accidentally threatens him with rhyming sentences. 

"Just stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say," McGavin says. 

"How about I just go eat some hay, I can make things out of clay and lay by the bay? I just may! What do you say?" Happy responds. 

Why it’s the best: This scene is a reminder of why you should assure you're not rhyming before trying to say something serious. Christopher McDonald's delivery is always fantastic, clearly portraying a golfer who's ego is overinflated, but the second he says "listen to what I say," all you can think about are his rhymes. Happy mocking him only made it funnier.

MORE: How to buy a replica of the Happy Gilmore hockey stick putter

12. "I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

The setup: When Happy is talking about his failed hockey career early in the movie, he explains why he never made it in the sport due to his temper and lack of discipline (qualities he'll soon carry over to golf). 

"During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: Most time spent in a penalty box, and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

Why it’s the best: If you're watching this movie for the first time, you don't yet know why Happy Gilmore is a failed hockey player. So you don't exactly expect where this sentence is going. Happy's fictitious anger issues apparently being so excessive that he attempted violence with an ice skate is one of the most memorable hockey lines in the movie, and it's also a sign of his golf issues to come.

11. "I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time."

The setup: When Happy first starts golfing, his wits for the sport don't really meet his talent. On his first hole in the scene, Happy launches a drive onto the green, but then struggles to sink his putts regardless of how close they are to the hole.

Then, on the next par-4 hole, his massive drive winds up being all he needs, getting a hole-in-one.

"He shoots, he scores!" Gilmore says, then turns to his mentor, Chubbs. "Oh man, that was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time."

Why it’s the best: Once again, Happy disregarding the unwritten rules of golf makes for some laughs. Obviously, he doesn't understand that his hole-in-one accomplishment was something many golfers dream of, not a standard to hold himself to. Maybe golf would be a tad more exciting if everyone was solely focused on hole-in-ones like Happy.

10. "Where were you on that one, dips***?"

The setup: Happy, not understanding the roles that caddies play in golf, shoves his bag man to the ground when the kid tries to take his clubs. The caddie informs Happy that he's supposed to be taking his clubs, but Happy refuses, saying he wants to carry them himself.

When his caddie asks what he should do instead, Happy tells him: "Watch me and make sure I don't do anything stupid."

Immediately, a golfer comes up to the tee box, where Happy is standing in the way and gets told to "get out of the way." After the crowd laughs at Happy's mistake, he tells his caddie: "Where were you on that one, dips***?"

Why it’s the best: To someone who doesn't know much about golf, caddies can seem pretty weird at first. Why have somebody else carry your equipment around in an individual sport? Happy unnecessarily treating his caddie harshly was another hilarious moment from his adjustment to golf, immediately cursing at him for something he had no part in.

9. "Happy learned how to putt ... uh oh"

The setup: As mentioned before, much is made at the beginning of the movie about how Happy can mash a golf ball on a drive but struggles to putt. Naturally, that leads Scooter McGavin to feel pretty confident in his chances when the two go to putt in a competition later on.

"Let me show you how we do it in the pros," McGavin says as makes a no-look putt.

Happy then rolls his own putt into the hole with his hockey stick putter, then turns to McGavin and says: "Happy learned how to putt ... uh oh."

Why it’s the best: This feels like one of the more quotable lines from the movie that you can say when playing golf yourself. The "uh oh" was also a funny touch from Sandler, making it clear to his competitor that he's had become a real threat with his putting skills. 

8. "Somebody's closer!"

The setup: Immediately following Happy noting how he "learned how to putt" in his competition vs. McGavin, the two both get their balls onto the green on another hole. Happy goes second, and his ball lands closer to the hole.

Happy says, "Somebody's closer!" in a high-pitched, mocking tone, to which McGavin just smiles.

Why it’s the best: Not many actors or comedians do a mocking tone quite like Sandler, and his voice gets so high when he says "somebody's closer" that it's both funny and almost unrecognizable. Like many lines on this list, it's also an easy way to mock any competitors on the greens.

7. “Yeah, right, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.”

The setup: Just after Chubbs' funeral, following an untimely fall out of a window after receiving an alligator head as a gift from Happy, Shooter McGavin approaches Happy and says, "Congratulations, murderer. You killed a golf legend."

The two bicker like children over who will dedicate their play on the course to Chubbs, and Happy says he's going to let his play do the talking and "beat your a** on the course."

McGavin, sarcastically dismissing Happy's words, says, "Yeah, right, and Grizzly Adams had a beard."

The camera then cuts to World Golf Hall of Famer Lee Trevino, who says "Grizzly Adams DID have a beard."

Why it’s the best: There's two things that make this scene hilarious. One is the delivery in McDonald and Sandler's bickering, saying "nuh uh" over who gets to dedicate their golf play to Chubbs. But the randomness of Trevino getting one line may be even better. He sounds so casual, like he's simply informing the audience that Grizzly Adams had a beard. 

6. "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up!"

The setup: Happy drops his grandma off at a nursing home, wanting to assure the best care for her while he's gone. He speaks to Ben Stiller's character, Hal, who works at the nursing home, telling him to take "extra special care of her" while pulling out a dollar bill, offering him money.

Hal, with a giant mustache, gently responds that he won't accept any money, but he "will take extra special care of that young lady over there." Then, Happy leaves.

The second that Happy's gone, his grandma asks Hal if she could trouble him for a "glass of warm milk." Stiller's demeanor completely changes, and he tells the elderly woman: "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up!"

Why it’s the best: Stiller is just as great at pulling off comedic threats as Sandler. On first watch, you think he's a kind, gentle caretaker who even denies extra cash to take care of the elderly. Then, his surprising response to Happy's grandma is simultaneously cruel, convincing and funny. "A warm glass of shut the hell up" is one of the most unique lines in the movie.

5. "I eat pieces of s*** like you for breakfast!"

The setup: When Happy first tells Scooter that he's going to take him on in a golf competition, Scooter begins to trash-talk him. But he clearly doesn't think his insult through before uttering it.

"Oh, you're on. You're in big trouble, old pal, I eat pieces of s*** like you for breakfast," McGavin says.

Happy, who didn't even pause to think about the trash-talk, clarifies that McGavin "eats pieces of s*** for breakfast?" All McGavin can do is awkwardly say "No," then walk away.

Why it’s the best: This insult-gone-wrong has become a classic. Once again, Christopher McDonald sells his lines well, thinking he got Happy real good with the "eat pieces of s***" joke. His sheepish "no" in response to Happy's clarification might be even better. 

This one's so good that even Kanye West referenced it on his 2004 song "Jesus Walks."

4. "Why don’t you just go home? That’s your home!"

The setup: Happy, about to putt, first gets some advice from a wise golfer (played by comedian Kevin Nealon) who makes it seem like golf balls are living beings. 

"Happy, the ball itself has its own energy, or life force if you will. It's natural environment is in the hole. So why don't you send him home?" the golfer says. 

Happy jokingly agrees that it's "time to go home there, ball," then putts. But he misses, prompting one of his signature rage outbursts.

"Son of a b****, ball. Why didn't you just go home? That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer me!" Happy says.

Why it’s the best: Here's another easy one to go to when you miss a putt in real life. The imbalance between the soothing advice Happy gets, to his hockey-like anger, is perfect. Golf can be fairly rage-inducing when the ball doesn't do what you want it to do, and Happy showcases that well here.

3. "Just tap it in."

The setup: Happy, struggling with his putts, gets some advice on the green from his mentor, Chubbs. 

Chubbs keeps it simple, repeatedly telling Happy, "You're still in good shape. All you gotta do is just tap it in. Just tap it in, now. Hey, just tap it in."

Happy misses his putt, then mocks Chubbs by saying: "Just tap it in. Give it a little tappy. Tap, tap, taparoo."

Why it’s the best: This may be Carl Weathers' most iconic line from "Happy Gilmore." Not only do he and Adam Sandler make it funny, but once again, it's hard not to throw out a "Just tap it in" in a similar tone to Weathers' when you're playing some casual mini-golf. That's the kind of basic golf advice that will do absolutely nothing to help somebody who's putting.

2. "The price is wrong, b****!"

The setup: Happy is paired with legendary game show host Bob Barker in a tournament, and with a heckler constantly yelling at Happy, he struggles. The more Happy misses on his shots, the more upset Barker grows. As the two move down to the bottom of the leaderboard, Barker continues to criticize Happy's play, so he tells the game show host: "Don't push me Bob, now's not the time."

After another brutal miss from Happy, Bob insults him, telling him "I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar." Happy puts his fists up to fight Barker, knocking him to the ground and telling him, "You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?"

Barker gets up, says "I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!" then repeatedly punches Happy as the two get into an all-out brawl.

Eventually, Happy head-butts Barker into the ground and seemingly knocks him out. In a nod to Barker being the longtime host of "The Price Is Right," he then says, "The price is wrong, b****!"

Barker proceeds to get up, choke out Happy, knock him out with a kick to the face, then say: "Now you've had enough, b****."

Why it’s the best: Barker's cameo is arguably the best one in "Happy Gilmore" and maybe in any sports movie ever. Happy's willingness to swing on an old man seems out-of-taste initially, but Barker then putting up a real fight was one of the funniest scenes in the movie. Happy's "price is wrong" line may be the most famous, but there's so many gems here. The late Bob Barker sold all of his lines perfectly in the fake beef.

1. "It's all in the hips."

The setup: Early in the movie, Happy misses a ball completely as he goes to do his signature run-up swing. His mentor, Chubbs, takes a moment to approach Happy, then give him a pointer that turns into an awkward moment.

Chubbs puts his hands around Happy's waist from behind him, then swings him side-to-side, saying, "It's all in the hips," over and over.

Eventually, Happy has enough, telling him "get off of me." Chubbs tells him he was just "easin' the tension, baby."

Why it’s the best: If "just tap it in" wasn't Weathers' best line from this movie, it's because "It's all in the hips" takes the cake. Realistically, it's not bad golf advice either. The way Chubbs sings a little jingle with his advice was hysterical, so much so that Sandler's laugh in the scene seems real, as opposed to simply acting.

There's a reason that Sandler himself had this line and "The price is wrong, b****" as 1A and 1B in his recent "Happy Gilmore" quotes rankings.