Scenes from The Baltimore Beefcake, an Edgar Allan Poe Biopic in Which He is Totally Jacked

SCENE 1.
EXT. A BOULEVARD. MIDNIGHT.

POE drops his frock coat, loosens his cravat, and tears open his shirt, buttons flying, to reveal his body, which is totally jacked. His nipples glisten in the moonlight.

A BLACK CAT, in the process of killing a RAT, spies POE’s lithe, freshly waxed chest. The BLACK CAT swoons. The RAT escapes, but in the process of fleeing, sees POE’s shredded physique and also swoons.

A BELL tolls. POE nonchalantly flexes his guns: boom, boom. A RAVEN in a nearby magnolia tree also swoons, falls from the tree, and expires.

- - -

SCENE 2.
INT. A STUDY. MIDNIGHT.

POE, hard at work composing deathless verse, paces the room.

POE (muttering)
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating…

POE stops walking. A meaty pop rings out as he cracks a walnut between his glutes.

POE
… ’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door…

- - -

SCENE 3.
INT. A BEDCHAMBER. MIDNIGHT.

POE, nearly naked, kicks the rug aside to expose bare floorboards beneath. He picks up a jump rope coiled on the bed. POE windmills the rope, skipping progressively faster and faster.

DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR, overcome by the cacophony created by POE’s large, powerful thighs, starts pounding rhythmically on his ceiling.

POE stops skipping, perturbed. The pounding continues, growing louder and louder.

POE (screaming)
Shut up!

Nothing must disrupt Leg Day.

- - -

SCENE 4.
INT. A CELLAR. MIDNIGHT.

LEWIS GAYLORD CLARK, holding aloft a lantern, beckons to POE.

CLARK
I know where to find some good booze, Eddie.

CLARK points at a hole in the cellar wall. POE, grinning, leaps through the hole.

CLARK picks up a hod and begins bricking up the hole. When he’s finished, he cackles gleefully.

POE, apprehending his rival’s deception, roars and bursts through the wall like the Kool-Aid man (only buff). CLARK shrieks and turns to flee, but POE seizes him by the breeches and administers a wedgie (though not an atomic one, owing to the absence of elastication in early Victorian men’s underthings).

- - -

SCENE 5.
INT. A DRAWING ROOM. MIDNIGHT.

POE lounges on a chaise, smoking opium (because it’s cheat day). VIRGINIA, his wife, stands by his side, bouncing dice off POE’s twelve-pack.

POE
Who’s big daddy?

VIRGINIA barks a consumptive cough.

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