Poems Dictated to My Phone, Mostly While Waiting in My Car

Why Am I Here?
I am sitting in the Whole Foods parking lot.
They have an Amazon drop-off for returns.
I know I’m supposed to boycott Amazon and Whole Foods,
But my daughter wanted PeachyBbies Slime,
And she did yard work for half an hour.
I thought I’d found the slime on Amazon,
But it was crunchy slime.
So I’m supposed to return it, but
I forgot to bring the slime.

What’s for Dinner
It’s 5:21. . . .
Do you know?
Something from
Nature . . .
That comes out of a bag.

Late for Pickup
How can I explain
That I was thirteen minutes late for school pickup
Because I was narrating this poem
To my phone
While driving.
To be safe,
I drove very slow.

Flattering
My thirteen-year-old daughter needed a dress for a wedding,
So we went to Aritzia in the Short Hills mall.
It was full of super-skinny girls checking themselves out in the mirror,
All wearing the same thing.
My daughter wanted a lavender satin, bias-cut sheath.
I said, “You’ll need a flattering undergarment to smooth out the lines.”
She said, “I don’t feel comfortable with anything you just said! We need to go.”
I said, “WAIT! That wasn’t even me talking! That was my mom. . . .”
But we had already left.

Poem Safety
If you are trying to narrate a poem
On your phone
While in the parking lot,
And you hold your hand up,
And wag your finger,
And lift one eyebrow,
To stop somebody
From backing into you,
They will understand.
They can tell
That you’re trying to create art.

Shopping and Art
“Mom, you’re doing it, aren’t you?”
“No. . . . ”
“You’re speaking a poem into your phone.”
“I am not! I’m dictating a shopping list.”
“No, you’re not. You’re whispering a poem into your phone.”
“No, I’m trying to remember what we need to buy.”
“But that’s not true, because we’re in line
To pay, at Target.
You’ve stopped the cart
And the people behind us
Are saying, ‘Hey Ms. Frizzle, get moving.’ ”

Writing Poems Is Better Than Shopping on Your Phone
Because a poem
Is free
And forever
And does not ride up your ass
Like this sale thong.

Apology to My Eight-Year-Old
I’m sorry I didn’t wash
Your favorite tie-dye shirt
(I washed the other one),
Or wash your white Crocs after you waded in the swamp
To pick up bottles for the park cleanup.
I know you wanted to wear them to school today.
I am using the Magic Eraser now.
I’m sorry we don’t have the 2026 Amazon toy catalogue.
I know our neighbor has it.
One day, when I’m dead, maybe you’ll remember
That afternoon when you were watching TV
And I ran in and screamed,
“COME OUTSIDE! There are kittens in the trash can down the block!”
But when we got there the kittens had left,
So we went to the store, and they gave us free doughnuts. ♦