Our Loyalty Program Is Now a Fealty Program

Dear Customer,

We wanted to give you a heads-up about upcoming changes to Marshmallow Puffer’s loyalty program. Starting next month, this is no longer a loyalty program. It’s a fealty program. It is no longer about transactional points where you get a birthday keychain in the form of a tiny little puffer coat that everyone raves about, and a transparent discount that depends on how much you spend. It is a relationship based on a moral and binding oath whereby, in offering puffer coat investments, you swear fealty to us, forsaking all other puffer coats, and you promise us military service to defend the good Marshmallow Puffer name.

And in exchange, you can wear (but not own) our Puffer coats.

We heard you, and we’ve streamlined enrollment. It takes approximately two minutes and involves you kneeling (both knees now, don’t be disingenuous), clasping hands with us (your new puffer liege lords), and proclaiming, “Be it known to all, present and future, that I have voluntarily sworn by my life and limbs, some of which are warmed and protected by Marshmallow Puffer coats, to do liege homage and keep faith with and defend Marshmallow Puffer against all creatures, living or dead but mostly living because how would a dead creature be a threat?"

Then you’ll open your leather pouch and generously invest an amount we determine (this is not a transaction but a sealing of an oath with money), and we’ll hand you a symbolic investiture. That’s just a fancy word for a puffer coat.

There will be four levels in our new program: Squire, Knight, Baron, and Duke of Mallow. All levels require fealty, oath-honoring gift investments, and military service. The more you give and defend, the more puffers you can lease. And we get it, not everyone can drop everything to provide battlefield defense of Marshmallow Puffer. When life is busy, you can opt into scutage. That’s just a fancy word for a monetary bribe to avoid a painful military-based death, usually by poleaxe (we’re not monsters). You can also just send other lesser people to fight. We want to give options, and you have three: you fight, you pay, or send some other serf or villein to fight in your place.

Breaking of the fealty oath incurs great punishment for either party. If we break it, you can call us mean names. If you break it, you may be captured, held for ransom, confined indefinitely, or executed. And, the biggest hit of all, no more puffer coats.

To summarize:

• Discounts: None
• Birthday gift: Discontinued
• Reward structure: You permanently pledge fealty, money, and military to Marshmallow Puffer, and we temporarily pledge puffer coats to you
• Expiration policy: Upon your death or ours, whichever occurs first
• Oath breach penalties for liege lords: Words like “sinful” and “dishonorable” can be used
• Oath breach penalties for vassals: Hung, drawn, quartered

If you have Marshmallow Points ready to spend, now is the perfect time to redeem them before these changes go into effect.

Thank you for being a part of our puffer coat community. Your continued fealty means something to us and everything to you.

Sincerely,
Marshmallow Puffer

P.S. Be on the lookout for our exclusive artist collab: Marshmallow x Chaucer featuring exclusive embroidered quotes on trial by ordeal in iambic pentameter.

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