Our incredibly stupid, highly-educated, kid-fearing socialists

1. Defund the colleges

by Mike Solana, editor in chief

In new analysis from Nate Silver, we discover what most of us have long suspected: the Democratic Socialists of America, a political organization seeking to abolish the Senate, the Supreme Court and the Executive, and to seize most American industry and run it all centrally from Hasan Piker’s Dumb Politburo, is especially popular among the highly-educated… but not just any highly-educated.

No, it seems broke losers with bachelors (sub $60K a year) are the most likely to find the work of Mao Zedong compelling.

But did the colleges make our most downwardly mobile elites communist, or are communists just uniquely a sort of people who would expect society to provide them with a ladder to riches, and then seek to destroy the world because their doctorate in queer theory didn’t communicate to a home in the Hamptons like their parents had?

Who knows. Who cares! Just defund the colleges already.

No, it seems broke losers with bachelors (sub $60K a year) are the most likely to find the work of Mao Zedong compelling. Anadolu via Getty Images

2. Democracy dies in laughter

by Riley Nork, writer

At last week’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Trump slipped into a rare Bodhisattva-like comedic flow state, waxing poetically about Chris Christie fighting for cheesecake at the next UFC event, a hostile regime now being run by a gay dictator (CBS News and Bari Weiss, respectively), and CNN’s Kaitlan Collins bearing an uncanny resemblance to trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney.

It was all in good fun, but the press had a decidedly different reaction: To them, Trump’s riffs were cause for ending the WHCD altogether.

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Per the Washington Post, critics are now citing the president’s “broadsides” against the media to call for permanently ending the dinner, since it was supposed to be a serious event honoring the serious work of serious mainstream journalism.

Funny… I don’t remember these calls when Obama and Colbert were the ones making the jokes! But hey, nothing says “winning back trust in media” like “don’t roast us or we’ll pack up and cry.”

It was all in good fun, but the press had a decidedly different reaction: To them, Trump’s riffs were cause for ending the WHCD altogether. Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

3. Exciting new birth control method called ‘socialism‘

by Max Weiner, head of operations

The socialist city may promise to care for every child — but increasingly, it just doesn’t contain any.

A new Wall Street Journal analysis finds that, over the past decade, American cities lost children six times faster than the country overall.

Some cities that grew still lost kids, replacing families with trust-fund singles, yuppies, and people too poor to leave. Meanwhile, the five fastest-growing American cities in 2025?

Well, they were all exurbs in Texas. To state the obvious revealed preference: Middle-class moms and dads do not want to raise their kids amongst dangerous fentanyl addicts while spending 70% of their income on housing, all while sending little Johnny to chaotic public schools (with the fent addicts’ dealers’ kids), so they leave.

In that void, the DSA happily agitates for class warfare, because the actual solution (building housing) requires motivated capitalists — whom DSA leaders hate more than their dads.