It’s the end of the Ro’d for Khanna

1. #FreeRoKhanna…from Congress

by Evan Milenko, writer

*Record scratch. Freeze frame.* Yep, that’s me, Ro Khanna. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in the West Bank. 

Congressman Ro Khanna launched a national media tour this week, and is now recounting the true injustice of the Middle East: the IDF stopping him for 90 minutes from driving down a restricted road.

Except… Ro wanted this to happen. He already needed a PR stunt to distract his angry constituents from his “wealth tax,” but then he went and endorsed Graham “Nazi Tattoo” Platner for Senate, who is now also — oops — an alleged sexual predator.

So he traveled on a restricted road in the West Bank alongside a New York Times photographer for an anti-climactic photo-op.

Congrats on the head start for the 2028 primary that’s sure to be a contest of who can out-Palestine whom.

But the constituents you’ve betrayed will ensure you have no shot in ’28. It’s the end of the Ro’d, clown.

2. Literally what?

by Mike Solana, editor-in-chief

According to his buddy “Androgenic,” fitness influencer Connor Murphy died last week after injecting… gold?

Which he believed to be a “gatekept mineral by the higher-ups” (true) that granted ~ the elites ~ superpowers when ingested (not true).

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Elsewhere, a gay cruise was turned away from its second Muslim country, leaving ship-stranded passengers somehow oblivious that the rest of the world isn’t furious, while back home, an illegal immigrant child rapist pardoned last month by Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz in an effort to shield him from deportation (???) was finally, nonetheless, deported.

Shout out to the internet, where all of these truly bizarre people have been able to cultivate a fictional sense of reality, be it “gold is magic” or “rape doesn’t count if he’s from a Third World country.”

Fortunately, the internet is also a place where we can discuss such things, but these days I wonder if it’s worth it.

3. California driver purge (please)

by Evan Milenko, writer

The DMV will be making 11,000 California residents retake their written driver’s exam due to “irregularities” that indicated cheating.

For the first time in recorded history, the DMV has done something. And it’s a good thing too!?

People who are covertly asking ChatGPT “what do you do at a stop sign?” should be condemned to riding Lime Scooters for the rest of their sorry lives.

But 11,000 is not enough. Anyone who has driven in California knows that there are MAYBE five people who know what an unprotected left is.

So please, DMV, get to snatching more people’s IDs. Can you imagine what this would do for the state’s traffic problem?

And while we’re still dreaming, let’s also enforce presenting a driver’s license at the ballot box.

If you’re doing 40 in the carpool lane on the 101, you shouldn’t get to vote on tax policy. Now go unlock your scooter.