Indiana man who died in plane crash wrote own comedic obit: ‘I am completely dead now’

Author of his own fate.

An Indiana man wrote a darkly funny obituary for himself, which was published after he died in a crash involving his homemade plane.

Gary Wolflet, 72, fatally crashed his self-made single-engine Express 2000 FT plane in Ohio on May 5, and though he was perhaps not prepared for the accident, he was ready for the inevitable, according to a report from WXIN.

“Hello. I am Gary. I am completely dead now. I am surprised that it took this long to happen,” the deceased man wrote.

“I had several close calls throughout my lifetime. I guess that I was just lucky that something didn’t get me long before now.”

Wolfelt then chronicled a series of cartoonish close calls that occurred over the course of his life — including taking a baseball to the head as a Little Leaguer, being kicked in the stomach by his sister’s horse Cricket, getting hit by a car, narrowly escaping a falling chimney, and taking a spill down a flight of stairs while holding a concrete-lined safe that landed on his chest.

After that last fall, Wolfelt said he was forced to go to a doctor who discovered he had prostate cancer — “I had just dodged another bullet.”

“I cannot tell you here what sort of event actually killed me as I wrote this obituary before I was completely dead. Someone else will have to fill in the details later on I guess,” he added, not knowing he’d end up leaving this life doing one of his favorite things.

In a heartwarming turn in the comedic obit, the amateur aviator also laid out his “most important accomplishments.”

“I stayed lovingly married to the same woman for a long time. I cut about 100 cords of firewood. I fixed a lot of problems for a lot of people over the last fifty years. I paid all of my bills with my own earnings. I only took welfare (Social Security) after I retired,” he stated simply.

Wolfelt didn’t want children, so instead he and his wife Esther had dogs — which he admitted to liking more than “most people that I came into contact with throughout my lifetime.”

Still, he made sure to show his gratitude to those of the humankind whom he did like.

“I would like to thank those of you who loved me while I was here on Earth. It really meant a lot to me. And I appreciate your letting me love you right back,” he wrote.

In a P.S., Wolfelt cleared the record on his voting history, writing, “I also want you to know that I didn’t intentionally vote for any socialists during my lifetime.”

“So I am not the least bit responsible for the mess that America is in at the moment.”

The prolific posthumous penman said he wouldn’t have a funeral, adding, “In lieu of flowers, please keep the money and take yourself out for a nice dinner or do something nice for someone else.”

“Good bye and Peace. I am hanging up now,” Wolflet concluded.

Wolflet is survived by his wife Esther, three brothers and sisters, and several nieces and nephews, according to an addendum written by Esther.

“Hopefully if there is a life after death, I will end up with Esther and all of our dogs in a sunny field of tall grass with music playing all around me. It was music that made me the happiest most of my life,” he wrote.

Even in his death, Wolfelt left an impact.

Dozens of strangers signed the guestbook section of his obituary, heaping on praise over his autobiographical obit.