I’m Willing to Give Our Alien Overlords a Second Chance

Look, I don’t need to tell you that times have been tough the past few years. Between the pandemic, mass protests, worldwide inflation, and Target locking deodorant in plexiglass cases, we’ve all had our fair share of struggles. Why, just last week, there were reports of drag queens milling around our local library. So when Commander Zorpf and his legion of bloodthirsty alien warriors returned vowing to fix things, I did the only thing I could: I sided with Zorpf. Again.

Yes, I know that last time the aliens were in charge, they reigned over humanity with violence and chaos, and I understand that Commander Zorpf is now a convicted felon in the Intergalactic Criminal Court. And yes, Commander Zorpf has repeatedly said that his first order of business after being put in charge of Earth again would be to declare himself “Supreme Leader of All the Universe for All Eternity.”

But have you seen the price of eggs?

Also, I’ve gotta be honest, I’m not convinced things were really all that bad when Zorpf was in charge the first time around. Sure, I saw the stuff in the media of family separations, cruel deportations, and the selling of government secrets, but those stories were clearly overblown. I wasn’t affected by any of them and I don’t know anyone else who was. I’ve also heard the claims that this time around Zorpf and his alien linchpins are planning to enslave all of humanity and force women to carry their alien fetuses to term. I just don’t put a lot of stock in rumors about what the ruthless aliens say they will definitely do.

It’s like I tell my daughters, Braelyn and Kaelyn: whether we’re led by imperfect human politicians or a bloodthirsty race of tentacled space fascists, their lives won’t really change very much. And if they ever need to get an abortion, we are fortunate to have the means to bribe Zorpf’s generals and secretly have them done in Canada or Massachusetts.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: Does Zorpf have a coherent plan this time around? Maybe not. Coherent plans aren’t really Zorpf’s “thing.” He’s a real shoot-from-the-hip sort of merciless alien. I’ve always liked that about him, even if I pretended like I didn’t to my lib friends at work. Besides, his minions seem to have things under control, and by “under control,” I mean “have a very specific and in-depth playbook to enslave all of humanity using the powers of the Shard of Qarzik, then extract our bodily essences to fuel their spaceships that they plan to deploy to the far corners of the universe to exact their petty revenge on their various enemies.”

But if that’s what it takes to stop drag queens from reading stories to children in libraries, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take.