Don’t dread Christmas and Hanukkah gatherings over politics

A patient of mine sat in her car outside her parents’ house on Thanksgiving and rehearsed neutral topics the way someone preps talking points before a tense meeting.

She’d driven hours with her kids, yet she froze at the curb.

She feared one wrong reaction would expose something about her character.

A relative might raise politics, and she’d be judged by how she reacted.

She went inside, but she spent the entire day on edge.

Since Thanksgiving, I’ve heard versions of this across my practice as people look toward Christmas and Hanukkah.

A college student planned strategic bathroom breaks to avoid her Trump-loving uncle.

A man rewrote a simple text to his sister several times because he worried the tone might reveal some unintended stance.

People worry one comment about the president, Israel or the election will blow up the room.

Many now walk into family gatherings rehearsed and guarded, like they’re entering an evaluation instead of a holiday.

Americans walk into holiday gatherings rehearsed, restrained and ready for judgment, the author writes. Jack Forbes / NY Post Design

Part of what’s driving this is the rise of a broader “therapy culture.”

For years, people have been told discomfort is dangerous, disagreement is threatening and emotional unease is a sign something is wrong.

The culture encourages people not to build resilience but to interpret ordinary tension as toxic.

A difference in opinion becomes disrespect. A moment of friction becomes betrayal.

When everyday conversations are framed as potential harm, people start scanning their own families for danger.

They arrive alert, self-conscious and ready to manage their reactions as if their relatives are assessing their emotional performance.

I also hear from people who say they no longer trust their own instincts in conversation.

They replay moments long after they happen, wondering if a hesitation or change in tone sent the wrong message or if they said something that might be misinterpreted. 

When people start managing how they appear instead of showing who they are, relationships become more scripted and fragile, even among relatives who genuinely care for one another.

I see the consequences in the therapy room every day.

Patients pause before answering simple questions. They overexplain their thinking. They hesitate to bring up topics that once felt natural.

One patient later admitted he was nervous to tell me he’s a Republican because he didn’t know which way I lean.

This isn’t political fear. It’s the fear of instant judgment, amplified by a culture that treats disagreement as pathology.

Political identity has become shorthand for character, and the shorthand has grown rigid.

Many now assume that if you know someone’s view on one issue, you know everything about the person’s intelligence and moral compass.

Once that belief sets in, even small interactions feel loaded. A passing question about the news starts to feel like a test.

This dynamic shows up well before anyone arrives at the gathering.

Patients tell me they rehearse what they will say days in advance and check phrases for “safety.”

One woman said she no longer sends articles in the family group chat because she’s afraid relatives will analyze what it “means” about her beliefs.

Parents tell me their children ask whether certain topics are “allowed” at Grandma’s house.

That level of vigilance turns connection into performance.

Inside families, the pressure changes the atmosphere.

Jokes feel riskier. Small talk feels cautious.

The easy, imperfect conversations that define family life begin to disappear, and a quiet distance is created.

During the holidays, the tension becomes unmistakable.

People shorten visits. They choose seats with escape routes. They try to enjoy the moment but stay watchful.

Warmth starts to feel conditional on sticking to an invisible script.

The classic holiday blowup isn’t what’s derailing families anymore. It’s the silence that creeps in before it.

People aren’t fighting more. They’re filtering more. They stay polite while bracing on the inside.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Families don’t need to avoid politics. In fact, avoidance often makes the fear worse.

What helps is restoring something simple: trust.

Relatives need to believe they can disagree without being reduced to caricature. They need room to be imperfect. They need to assume complexity in one another rather than moral clarity from one comment.

If politics comes up, the most effective move is to stay grounded, redirect to shared values or personal experience and remind yourself the bond matters more than the debate. Don’t take the bait.

If all else fails, there’s always “Please pass the stuffing.”

The families who weather these moments best aren’t the ones who share the same views.

They’re the ones who assume good intent and believe the relationship is larger than the argument or the politics.

Until that shift returns, many Americans will keep walking into holiday gatherings rehearsed, restrained and ready for judgment. They think they’re preparing for dinner — but they’re preparing for appraisal.

It’s a quiet fear I see every day.

Jonathan Alpert is a psychotherapist in New York City and Washington, DC, and author of the forthcoming book “Therapy Nation.”

X: @JonathanAlpert