A Couple Tries to Get a Mortgage Approval in an Equal Parts Plausible, Dystopian, and Not-So-Distant Future

McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

TO: Jordan, Mortgage Underwriter
FROM: Greg and Janice, Home Buyers

Good morning,

Please see the responses to your questions below and in italics. Greg and I are looking forward to getting this process done so we can move forward on the house.

Sincerely,
Greg and Janice

1. Our analysis showed that the commute for your jobs would be a little bit longer for you both: ten minutes for Greg, twelve minutes for Janice. We were wondering what your motivation is for moving if you have to drive longer to get to work?

We thought that the neighborhood was nicer than our current one, and the schools there would be better for our child.

2. There was a little bit of a downturn in Greg’s income between 2024 and 2025 ($200,000 to $197,000). I know it’s not a big change to some people, but I’m sure my Provisional Regional Overseeing Director of Underwriting will want an explanation.

We both discussed this, and the only reason we can think of is that we had to take a few days off work last year to help Greg’s mom, who fell down her stairs and broke her hip.

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TO: Greg and Janice
FROM: Jordan

Thanks for your responses. The reasons you gave regarding preferences for the new neighborhood and school preferences are understandable. However, we do have a question about Greg’s mother. Does she still live in the house with stairs?

Additionally, we saw on your Ring camera that you guys have a dog. I hate to throw another fly in the ointment, but that dog has some gray in the muzzle and limps a little bit. Do you have a ballpark for how much you might spend on dog-related health expenses in the next year? We have concerns about the veterinary expenses that often accompany an aging canine.

Regards,
Jordan Gates, III
National Mortgage Underwriters

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TO: Jordan
FROM: Greg and Janice

Good afternoon,

Greg’s mom still lives in the house with the stairs.

For the dog: We don’t think it would be more than $1,000.

If you need any more information, just let us know.

— G&J

- - -

TO: Greg and Janice
FROM: Jordan

Good afternoon,

As you have confirmed, the family member in question still lives in a two-story residence. We do need to add a 0.75 percent correction factor to your interest rate, as our actuaries believe this relative could have another accident, leading to one or both of you taking time off work unexpectedly.

Thankfully, the dog situation will not affect your application.

Unfortunately, we did notice on the screenshot showing your joint bank account balance that there was a battery charge on your phone of 17 percent. You do need to be careful of such things in the future, as some of our policies require us to file applicants as “moral failures” if there is evidence of a pattern of poor phone battery management.

Don’t worry, though: as of now, you are not disqualified, but you do lose the “friend of your phone” 0.5 percent rate discount.

Now, for some good news: We have provisional approval for you. I can lock you into a traditional 30-year rate of 10.75 percent on your $900,000 loan so you guys can get into that spacious two-bed, one-bath house.

Or your second option is a 30-year rate of 7.5 percent.

To get that, however, you have to agree to let us turn one of your bedrooms into a short-term rental property and also turn half of your backyard into a mixed-use crypto-mining / AI computation node.

Either way, we would require a 30 percent down payment, which could be sent via cash, wire, or AmeriCoin. Please note these rates are conditional on your final triple credit bureau drive-by and MI6, CIA, FSB rendezvous.

And really, either one of these mortgage payments is quite a steal when you just think about how high interest rates were in the 1980s.

Let me know what you decide, and I’ll make it happen.

Warm regards,
Jordan Gates, III
National Mortgage Underwriters

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